Shattered Mirrors
by bearhuggemm
Summary: Imprint: noun/verb 1. lasting effect 2. special mark 3. make idea or thing permanent 4. establish social attachments...I hate this word more than anything and that is why I do these things to myself and for some reason I kept the ring he gave me.
1. Chapter 1

It is the smell of the salty ocean water that propels me to the cliffs edge. I rarely jump off of it unless I am with the company of the pack, who enjoy doing flips and acting reckless. Normally I just sit, much like right now, and think about important things.

It is nearly impossible to get peace now because of everything that is going on around me. I have a brother who is always home and constantly asking questions I don't want to answer. I love him more than anything, but talking about my feelings is too hard for me. My mother runs around the house smiling and laughing about all the happy things that are happening for her, and telling me to have a better attitude about life. She has Charlie now, a nice man but not in any comparison to my late father, to keep her in a good mood. She is also cherishing the wedding announcement of my cousin, Emily. Emily's mother, my aunt is not the greatest mother figure and lives nearly two hours away, so my mom felt it was necessary to step in. Ever since Emily decided to reside here permanently, my mother has taken the liberty to unofficially adopt her, with no consideration towards how I may feel.

Home is hard enough. I spend half of my time in my room, lying face up in my bed and staring at the ceiling; I used to have posters up there but now the walls are bare. The other half of my time, I spend in the woods or elsewhere on the rez, away from people. I enjoy my privacy and sadly I have very little of it. The pack tries to be polite with their thoughts when I am phased but they aren't very good about it. I do my job, stay silent, and obey the alpha command, no matter how much it bothers me. Staying bitchy and loud didn't get me very far before.

I had plenty of reasons to act up. Sam had left me for Emily—my best friend—and chose to tell me last, I became the first girl to phase along side my brother, and my father had died of a heart attack (some will blame the last one on me since my phasing was the last thing he witnessed while conscious). The way I saw it, bitchiness was the only reasonable solution to my problems.

It stopped working and complaining lost its effectiveness. The boys stopped listening to my griping and started blocking me out. The names they made up for me were unoriginal but still left a sting. They hated me; I could just tell. They thought I was insensitive because I was unable to cry for my father or for Sam, at least not publicly. I didn't let them see the private side of me, which felt hurt and betrayed, and chose to transfer my pain into physical violence and verbal abuse.

Sam started giving me the patrols on the graveyard shift, when no one else was phased, so that they wouldn't have to listen to my thoughts. He gave me fewer duties than anyone else—I couldn't tell if that was because I was the only girl, or because he felt guilty and couldn't stand to see me either. He didn't speak to me, but I preferred it that way. When he had confronted me about his imprint I had told him I never wanted him to speak to me again; he was simply obeying my request. The only time we exchanged words were through the pack mind and the words were a small number of emotionless statements.

I could hide the feelings I had about him when we were phased. He was pretty good at it too, but sometimes a comparison between Emily and I would slip and I would have to phase in order to dodge it. He didn't give a rat's ass about me, or what we used to be; if he did I would never know because he was good at hiding his feelings around me.

The cliffs were the only place I could go where I was silent. I had run here, on foot, and walked the rocky path to the cliff. I was seated, dangling my running shoes over the edge of the rocks, leaning back on my elbows. It was silent and perfect, with no one to bother me.

I was now suffering from the lack of food in my system. I hadn't eaten in twelve hours, eating less often now that I was in a sour mood all the time. Somehow I thought that if I stopped eating or threw up more, that I could miraculously alter the way I saw myself. I hate the way I look. I used to be beautiful and full of life, with glowing cheeks and perfectly maintained hair; now I was cut up, beaten, and hungry. My hair was limp, sad, and the clothes I wore were colorless, hanging loosely off my body. The changes in my appearance were as obvious as my mood, both dulling and weakening as the weeks got closer and closer to the end…

The end of what?

My previous life with Sam.

He was getting married in a couple of weeks and then everything we had together would be over and done with. There would cease to be a Sam and Leah, and future memories would only remember Sam and Emily.

My first phase was initiated by the conversation between Sam and I, when he confronted me about Emily. I just lost it. I was hurt and betrayed when I found out about the imprint. I wanted to hit Sam and Emily, and then I wanted to hit myself just so that there would be someone to blame, but there wasn't. That was the worst part about this whole thing. I couldn't point my finger at anyone because the imprint was 'destiny' and 'chosen by fate'.

I burnt all the pictures of us and threw his clothes—the ones I hid in the bottom drawer for when he spent the night—out the window, into the mud. I was sad and bitter, refusing to talk to my family and friends. I resorted to cutting myself, and drinking large amounts of hard alcohol at parties, but stopped when they no longer had the same effect on me. With the werewolf genes, it's harder to get the same results, the alcohol burns off faster and wounds stop bleeding earlier. Although the release was less intense than for a human, I still got something out of it. It was always over too soon, once the blood stopped running and the skin closed, but I still had the scars. They were hidden under my sleeves, on the inside of my upper arm. With the weather, sleeves were common, and they didn't show under my fur when I was a wolf.

It was only when Emily over, came to hand my mother and Seth her and Sam's wedding invitation, that I stopped feeling angry and started crying; all day long, until my eyes were red and out of tears.

She had the nerve to ask for me at the door, she said she wanted to speak to me and apologize. I wouldn't have it. I hid in my room, backed up against the locked door, and cried until I heard the truck pull out of the drive.

In an act of desperation I crawled to my closet and pulled out the dreaded pink box. It was hidden underneath old shoeboxes and bags of clothes. I had avoided this box as much as possible, the past couple of weeks, afraid that it would be my ultimate cessation.

I jerked it out from under the junk and clutched it to my chest. I had hidden everything I couldn't bear to burn, inside this weak box. I peeled off the lid and looked inside. Homecoming tickets, photos of us on the beach kissing, the first note he passed me during my freshman year, a stuffed animal he bought me when I broke my arm, assorted birthday and Christmas cards I had saved, and his chain with a gold L and S, which he had left on my dresser so long ago. I smiled at these memories, remembering why each item was so special to me and how important it was to keep them.

I was thrown from my day dreaming when out of the corner of my eye, I found the black velvet box; I wished I could forget about. I clutched it in my fingers and pried it open. Inside was the small, gold band with a single circular diamond in the middle. It was the ring that Sam had given me the night he proposed. He knew that we were still too young to get married, but he promised that as soon as I was out of school, he would make me the happiest woman in the world. He had promised me a lot that night, a house we could live in, a future filled with children and grandchildren, and most importantly his love. Of course I had accepted, how could I not when I loved him so much.

We never got to keep those promises.


	2. Chapter 2

I clutched the chain around my neck. I thought about taking the gold 'S' pendant off of it and throwing it back into the box, but instead I slid the ring on with it. I felt all the love that we had shared, when I wore it. I knew I would eventually have to give it back, Sam would want to give it back to his mother, it was hers after all.

My mother would be expecting me home soon, although I didn't really feel like walking into my house, not after I realized I was crying again. Seth would notice my red, puffy eyes and try to ask me what was wrong. Couldn't he just ignore it like my mother did? I knew he just wanted to be a good guy and support me, but I couldn't handle facing the truth. I was a sad excuse for a girl, abusing myself over a boy.

I pulled myself off of the ground and brushed myself off. There was dirt covering the shorts I was wearing and it was caked into the soles of my shoes. I was still sweating even though I had stopped running a long time ago. The fog was starting to descend overhead, telling me that the rain was coming. I was thirsty and hungry; I would stop at the market for something to satisfy me.

I took off running again to finish my work out. I focused on the pounding of my feet on the pavement, as I got closer into town. There weren't many people out today, only a few cars passing by and a dog or two. I saw a few familiar faces while running through the house-lined streets. They could have been waving to me, but I didn't acknowledge them. I was in my zone and no one could pull me from it.

I don't know what is it about running that makes one feel so free. It releases all the energy that is pent up inside my body and transfers it to a more productive outlet. The speed I get when running as a wolf is even better, but I can't be phased for long periods of time. If I truly want to think about everything, with no restrictions or fears, I need to run human, and slow.

I crossed the porch and pulled open the screen door. The store owner, Pete, a gray haired elder with deep-set wrinkles and a permanent grimace, nodded to me. He was rocking in his porch swing, with his wolfhound by his feet. He was always in the same place, watching the people pass by his store, and never saying a word. He was one of the few people who spoke the native language and preferred only to talk to those who could as well. Because of that, he was a quiet man with no one to talk to.

The store was small and stocked with only the necessities. Snacks and sodas lined one wall, canned goods, cereals, and box mixes were in another row. Barely if any fresh produce, some milk, juices, and ice cream composed the third row. There was a hygiene aisle off to the corner with toothpaste, condoms, and pregnancy tests, but you rarely saw anyone over there. Teenagers would swipe the condom boxes from the shelf and keep moving; the owner and cashier were too embarrassed to stop them. The rest of the store held meaningless objects, tribal art, magazines, extra fishing gear, camouflage hats, and lighters. There were stuffed animal heads and fish mounted on the walls—the greatest catches in the twenty years this store has been here.

Mary, Pete's niece, was manning the counter. She was a year younger than me and already stuck with a job. She was flipping through a magazine, popping bubblegum in her mouth, looking bored. I passed her on my way to the cooler in the back, pulling a diet Coke from the ice and shaking it off. I meandered across the store to find the candy aisle and picked out a bag of M&M's.

I went to the counter and handed Mary the food and a twenty-dollar bill. She took both and smoothed her hair behind her ear. I tried to remember if we had classes together, thinking that I must have seen her around school all the time, but I was drawing a blank.

"Do we a class together?" I asked her. She looked up from the register and noticed me racking my brain for an answer.

"Yes. Three of them, but I don't blame you for not noticing. You seem to be distracted a lot lately." She sighed, opened the register drawer and sighed. "Some big fisherman's group came by today and nearly wiped me out. Let me see if my brother Bobby has some change in the back."

I nodded and watched her leave me at the counter while she unlocked the door behind her and traveled up the stairs. There was a house on top of the store where I assumed she and her brother lived.

I shuffled my feet and looked around me, trying to pass the time. I stopped dead in my tracks when a familiar scent drifted through the opening doors. I had my back to the incoming customers but not even that could lead me away from the scent. I knew exactly whom it was that was passed through the same screen I had, now traveling up the first aisle in search of something good to munch on. It was Sam and trailing lightly behind him was Emily.

I could see their reflection in the glass case in front of me. They hadn't noticed my standing a mere 20 feet from them, they were too busy giggling and holding hands. From the back I looked like any other girl on the rez. My hair was long and black, my skin was the same shade of my family and neighbors; it was possible that they saw me and figured that I was a regular customer. I didn't blame Sam for not recognizing my scent, it had been a while since we were together and I doubted he remembered what I smelled like from back then.

I tapped my fingers on the wood countertop, hoping that Mary would come back soon so that I could sneak out the side door without having an altercation. I would have liked more than anything to escape this torture I was in now.

I could feel his presence in the store like a magnet that I felt compelled to turn around and look at; I guess that was what an alpha did, but that was also what _Sam_ did. I wanted to see him, to gaze upon his elegant features and run my hand through his hair. It was a reflex, something that I had done a million times before, and something that was regular for us, when we had been _us_. He had liked it when I greeted him that way, running into his arms, brushing back his hair, and placing a chaste kiss on his lips. I still wanted to do that, even though I tried desperately to hate him, and I wanted him feel that love for me again.

I heard Emily's childish giggle, followed by his husky voice as he whispered something in her ear. I nearly lost it then and there. I could sense everything that was going on behind me because it was so typical Sam. He would be walking behind her, with his arms wrapped around her waist, his chin on her shoulder. She would lean her head back and he would whisper sweet nothings to her, making her purr in delight.

All I could think, was that used to be me. I used to be the girl giggling in his arms while we shopped together.

I waited for what seemed like eternity as Mary shuffled upstairs. I could make out the soft conversation she was having with her brother. Only a minute had passed by since she had left me, but it felt like so much longer. I considered leaving right then, and ditching my change but I needed the twenty dollars to get me through the next week. So I stayed, despite my better judgment to drop everything and run in order to avoid a disaster.

Sam was looking through the candy aisle searching the colorful wrappers for something that would make him happy. I knew him too well. He would find the blue bag of chocolate covered pretzels because those were his favorite.

Memories came flooding back…

_It was surprisingly cold for the fall in La Push. I was wrapped in a tribal, wool blanket, sitting in the middle of the cabin floor. The fire was crackling in front of me and the scent of melting candles was present in the air. I waited for Sam, while clutching the fabric around my chest so as not to expose my bare skin to the chill from outside. Sam came trudging out, clad in only blue pinstriped boxers, carrying a bag of chocolate chips and a box of pretzels. I laughed. That could only mean one thing._

_He plopped himself down onto the makeshift bed we had created on the floor. If it wasn't already obvious enough… we had sex. It was sweet and romantic, as we huddled together in his family's cabin. We had liked to sneak out here on weekends to be together, spending two solid days inside, with the only sounds around us being our voices and nature._

"_What are those for?" I asked, pointing to the food he had set in front of me. He grabbed my empty mug and fisted a handful of chocolate chips into my mug._

"_There is no food in the house and I had a craving for chocolate covered pretzels." He laughed, mimicking his motions with his mug._

"_Do you ever eat anything else?"_

"_Nope." He smiled, pecking me on the cheek. I reached for his shirt that was discarded on the floor and slid it over my head; it hung down to my upper thighs._

_I helped him hold the mugs over the fire so that the chocolate would melt. When it was the perfect consistency, according to the pretzel-dipping expert, I pulled it away and set it on the floor. Sam did the same and took out two pretzels, one for each of us. He dipped one into his mug, coating it in semi-sweet chocolate and brought it to my lips, holding his hand underneath so that it wouldn't drip on me. I took a bite from it, the salt and sweetness making for a delicious combination._

"_Mmmm." I mumbled between bites, he smiled, obviously proud of his creation. I dipped my pretzel in my chocolate and fed it to him in the same fashion. Of course he got chocolate all over his lips. I let out a little laugh, trying hard not to make him feel embarrassed._

"_What?"_

"_You have chocolate all over your face,"_

"_Oh?" He moved his hand towards his face so that he could wipe it away but I stopped him._

"_I'll get it." I leaned forward so that I was nearly in his lap and licked away the excess chocolate. His lips were warm and tasted delicious, but his scent alone was intoxicating enough to send me over the edge. He reached behind me to wrap his large hand around my neck to bring me closer. I pressed both of my hands lightly to his chest for balance as he continued to intensify the kiss, making me fall harder for him._

"_Mh mmm. " He mumbled against our lips, shaking his head in disapproval. I pulled back and looked at him. Was my kissing that bad? I had thought it was going well._

"_What?" I asked, slightly offended._

"_Not as good."_

"_Me?"_

"_No! Heavens no! I meant the pretzels. You could never be bad,"_

"_Oh. The pretzels aren't as good as the ones you buy in the store? I thought they taste great."_

"_No, their fine."_

"_Then what?"_

"_The pretzels don't taste nearly as good as __**you**__ do with chocolate." He grinned, obviously confident that he could make me blush. Surely enough pink rose to_ _my cheeks and I smiled. He always knew what to say to make my insides melt. I swear I turned to goo right then and there, under his breathtaking gaze._

"_Really?"_

"_Definitely."_

_I dipped my finger into the chocolate mug and led it to his lips. He took his time licking it off and then kissing my fingertips one by one._

_ The rest of the night was spent by the fire, tangled up in each other and covered in chocolate, and took turns liking it off._

Fabulous. I was never going to escape this hell. I hadn't realized that my grip on the counter's ledge was so tight. I heard a crack when I heard Sam laugh again. I always loved his laugh; it was deep and throaty, sort of husky, in the best kind of way—it used to make my insides fill with butterflies, now it just made me upset.

Sam hadn't even looked in my direction since he entered the store. I didn't blame him though. I am sure it would be hard to focus on anyone but your imprint when there are other people in the room. That combined with the fact that he didn't recognize me from behind. It was better this way, anyways. I didn't want him to witness me, sweaty and muddy from my run.

Mary strolled back from the door leading to the upstairs. She smiled at me and counted the change in her hands. I knew Sam would be heading to the register now to pay for his pretzels. Mary didn't seem to be moving fast enough for me. I cleared my throat as she finally made it to me.

"Here you go, Leah. Seventeen dollars and thirty-one cents."

"Thanks." I said, turning around quickly and nearly sprinting to the door. I tried to avoid Sam's gaze, but I knew he had heard her say my name.

"Leah?" He whispered, loud enough for only me to hear. I stopped in my tracks. It would be beyond rude if I kept going, and now I just felt obligated to turn around, so I did.

I bit my bottom lip, crossing my right foot over my left and turning around. I clutched my shopping bag tightly as I managed to look up at him. The expression on his face was not what I had expected. He seemed to be conflicted between being sad and being excited. He looked shocked more than anything, like he was surprised he hadn't felt _my _presence in the store, since I so clearly knew that he was there.

"Hi Sam." I said with as little emotion as was possible.

He looked different too. His hair was a little longer, how I liked it when we were dating, and not the sloppy buzz cut he got for phasing. Somehow he looked even more handsome than the last time; maybe it was the time away that made his features more important. His face looked more pensive, like he was either smiling more or frowning more, lately. His arms looked bigger, but his t-shirt hung nicely over his shoulders.

"What are you doing here?" He asked, not taking his eyes away from me. We were glued in place, and stuck in a tango, not sure what to do next.

"Getting a drink after my run. You?"

"Uh…Emily wanted to get some snacks before we went into town." He took a deep breath contemplating his next words "You look different."

I waited while he took in my appearance. I frowned to myself, remembering that I must look awful. He also hadn't seen me in human form much since he confronted me about Emily. The only times we saw each other was in wolf form or in memories and thoughts through the pack.

"I guess."

He took notice that I was thinner and more dreary looking. Thank goodness he couldn't see the cuts on my arms. No one else knew about them. He wouldn't approve of me hurting myself, but then I thought that maybe he wouldn't care anymore. I wasn't his girlfriend or soul mate and he needn't be concerned with my wellbeing.

_Yeah, that's right. You did this to me…well I did this to me, but it was because I was so hung up on you. _I was tempted to say something like 'I tried to forcibly remove you from my memory' or 'I didn't want to look like the Leah you knew and loved', but I said nothing.

Emily rounded the corner, walking in on our reunion. It had been maybe a minute and a half since I had turned to face him. It seemed silly that time pasted so much slower with him there.

"I got you us some sodas but I didn't know what kind you wanted so I—" She stopped when she noticed who her fiancée was talking to. "Leah! What are you doing here? Wow I barely recognized you." She asked with a spring in her step, moving to stand closer to Sam. I turned my head away, not wanting to speak with her.

_Did I honestly look that different? I still recognized me, why couldn't they? _It was probably an expression like 'you look good' except for it just the opposite.

Instead I nodded. "I just was out for a run, but I have to get going." Not waiting for her to reply, I turned again and continued out the store, making my way through the door. Emily caught up with me on the porch. It took all my strength not to growl at her.

She pulled on my arm in an attempt to get me to look at her, but I really didn't want to. I gave in, avoiding her eyes and instead focusing on Sam, still frozen in place. Somehow looking at him kept me from being angry, and just made me sad.

The old man sitting in his rocker was pretending not to notice us, but I saw his eyes flicker in our direction. It was obvious that he knew about our situation and he would no doubt be listening in to our conversation.

"What do you want Emily? I really don't have time to talk."

She took a step forward like she was going to hug me, so I took a step back. There was no way I could pretend like nothing had happened, even if she wanted to.

She looked offended and rejected, turning her head back to look at Sam. He just stared back at her, not sure what to do. She was looking at him for encouragement and support but he wasn't giving her any; it was almost like he didn't know who to encourage because then he looked to me, and then back to her. For an alpha he sure was being a pussy right now.

I tried to keep moving, wanting desperately to leave this all behind me and go home already. It had started to rain as I stood under the porch overhang for cover.

"Leah wait! Don't go." Emily whimpered.

I wished it was Sam coming after me, like I was leaving him and he wanted me to stay, but instead _she_ came after me while he stood there looking at the floor.

"I don't have anything to say to you, Emily."

"I wanted to give you this." She reached in her purse for a light green envelope. "I was going to drop it by the house for Sue and Seth, but since you're here I guess I can just give it to you now."

I looked at her outstretched hand. It was fancy looking, probably ordered from a stationary store or a catalogue. There were no places to do that around here and I figured she must have gone to a lot of trouble just to make this. My name wasn't on the front and I knew it was not supposed to be for me. Instead, Clearwaters was printed across the front in Emily's neat handwriting.

I took it from her reluctantly. I wasn't planning on opening it with her around and I wasn't even certain I wanted to know what was on the inside anyways. It couldn't have been good, for me at least. I knew there was a huge possibility that it could be a number of horrible things that would surely bring me to my knees in pain, and for this I just tucked the envelope in my pocket. Leah Clearwater does not show her weaknesses to anyone, especially the people who caused the weak spots.

Scenarios flashed through my head as the weight of the envelope had suddenly become so much greater. It was almost pulling me down.

"Leah, are you alright? You've been standing there for a while." Emily asked, waving her hand in front of my face like I was a coma patient or something.

"Yeah, whatever. As nice as it was running into you, I'm going to leave." I spat with more anger than I had intended. I didn't say goodbye, just turned and finally left the store. My bag with the soda and candy hung from the crook in my arm. I had suddenly lost my appetite and wanted to throw up more than anything.

My disappointment in this whole situation was that Sam stood there like an idiot, just staring at the wall. He could have been looking anywhere, at Emily or even at me. He could have said something when Emily was practically smothering me with her I-know-I-screwed-you-over-but-let's-kiss-and-makeup proposition. When was she going to understand that I didn't want to talk to her and I most certainly did not want to be her friend again. She had broken the cardinal rule for girls, although it doesn't really apply in this or any cases, really. You don't go for a best friend's guy, no matter what. She was my sister, someone I loved as much as my own flesh and blood, the person I trusted with all of my secrets, and she blatantly betrayed that trust. I didn't give a fuck if she only did it because of some stupid soul mate, genetic, black hole that managed to rip us apart.

It was raining but I didn't care. I needed to get home, but I was in no rush to get there. Sam's truck was outside so it wasn't like I needed to walk fast in order to avoid them on the way home. They would drive back and make a fire, he would hang her wet clothes to dry and then tell her how much he loved her. _Why does she get everything that was supposed to be mine? _

My running shoes were getting muddier the farther I walked. It didn't help that most of La Push was unpaved. I moved to the main road and walked on the asphalt, watching the yellow stripes as I passed. The rain made little pitter patter sounds as it hit the plastic bag I carried. The road went on forever, looking the same from every angle I looked at it. When the house finally came into view, I stopped briefly to open the letter, wanting to just get it over with. As much as I was disgusted to know what was inside, I needed to know. It was necessary to know, so that I could decide how to proceed. Would I throw away the letter, or give it to mom and Seth like Emily originally intended?

I pulled it from my pocket and broke the seal on the back. From the envelope I slid a white piece of handmade paper with small green leaves pressed into it. There was a semi-formal script on the paper and I realized I was reading an invitation to an event.

_Please join us, Sam Uley and Emily Young,_

_to bless our new home this Sunday at noon._

_Our new address is 703 Birch Lane_

_La Push, Washington 98350_

_Food and drink will be served._

_We hope to see you there._

The only thing I could manage to think was, this isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I was dreading a wedding invitation, or even (given how much of a horn dog Sam was when we were dating) a baby shower warning. That would have really killed me, but moving in together was something I expected; it was so Sam to make her move in with him. He had always been a believer in building a home and settling down.

I let out a few huffs and continued on to my house. No one was home when I got there so I tossed my muddy shoes at the linoleum by the door and flicked the invite onto the table. They would find it when they came home and by then I would hopefully be far enough away so that they couldn't ask me about it.

I took the stairs two at a time in my pursuit of the shower and the release I felt under the hot water. I threw my plastic bag into my room, it barely passed the door landing in the entrance, before turning into the bathroom. I let all my clothes slip to the floor as I turned the knob to the hottest setting. I leaned up against the cold tiles while I waited for the water to heat up.

I thought more about the exchange Sam and I had shared. It had been awkward like the first time after he imprinted. It was like we were acquaintances who didn't know what to say to each other. We were at a loss of words in each other's presence. It had never been like that for us before. And he looked at me like I was a completely different person. It wasn't like he never saw me; after all we were in the same pack. He saw me everyday, just not in the conventional human sense. We only passed in wolf form. I had gotten used to his black fur and guarded thoughts—it was how I remembered him when I retired for the night. He was a silent, deadly wolf, not a twenty something boy with girl problems and a genetic mutation.

I got in the shower and thought more about Sam. It was the first time in a long time that he and I had talked, even if we didn't say much. We spoke to each other, with words and not thoughts or commands. I couldn't help but feel like there was still a part of him that wanted to talk to me and that maybe that was why he could speak while Emily was there. I hoped that there was something he wasn't saying and couldn't say in front of Emily, something that I needed and wanted desperately to hear.

I hoped that he missed me as much as I missed him. I desperately wanted him to love me even though he loved her. Maybe he could, just a little bit, underneath all his feelings for her he could still feel something for me. I didn't need his whole heart, but I needed to know that those years weren't for nothing. I needed to know that I gave my heart, body, and soul to the right person; whether he cared or not, he still had those things even though he was with Emily now. I didn't care if he had imprinted at the moment, all I cared about was feeling wanted. If I knew that he loved me through it all, I could feel ok about reliving our time together every night in my dreams.

I rinsed out all the excess soap from my hair and rung it out. Reluctantly, I turned the water off and stepped out onto the cold tile floor. Wrapping a towel around myself I walked from the bathroom to my own room to put on some clothes. I didn't really care what I wore around the house; it wasn't like I needed to look good for anyone anymore.

"Dinner!" My mother called from downstairs. She must have come home and prepared dinner in the time that I was in the shower (I am sure I was in there for at least an hour).

"I'll be down in a minute." I yelled back.

With my door closed, I dropped my towel. I stood in front of the mirror for a couple minutes just looking at myself. I had really done a number on myself. My ribs were showing, my hip bones jutted out more than normal; I could tell that my hair was loosing it's shine and body; the cuts on my upper arm were fading slowly but were still very visible, not to mention the bruises on my arms where I had been careless while on patrol, were odd shaped and turning colors. No wonder people avoided me at school (and by people I mean guys). Not only was I Sam Uley's ex—which made me someone to avoid because people knew of the scandal, and they feared advancing me because Sam was always very protective—but I was also losing all the things that made me attractive. I wasn't smiling anymore, I didn't have curvy hips, my hair was never done, I didn't wear makeup, and I had bags under my eyes from sleep deprivation. I was a walking disaster zone.

I opted for sweatpants, seeing as that I couldn't stand to look at my body any longer. I rushed down the stairs to find my family already eating. The table was set and the fourth chair at the head of it remained there even when I knew my father couldn't sit there any longer. My mother kept his chair untouched so that we could remember him in the place where the four of us spent the most time together.

I missed my father more than I missed Sam. My father was the one to cheer me up and tell me that things would all be ok. He would let me talk and talk for hours, just venting all my pent up rage. We could talk about anything, including boys and even sex. I trusted him and in return he treated me like an equal. My mother never did that and I felt as though I couldn't really talk to her. Right now, I needed my father; I needed to be daddy's little girl for another night. There was no one I could truly confide in and tell my darkest secrets to. I lost all my girlfriends after the breakup when I didn't want to talk to anyone, then after I phased friends weren't even an option. The pack wouldn't listen, but I wouldn't bother them anyways. I used to be good friends with Jared and Paul, but they changed a lot when the wolf genes kicked in. Now I was left with no one.

My mother started speaking as soon as I ladled a bowl of chili for myself and sat down.

"I am thinking that we should all go to this little get together at Sam's place this weekend. It would be nice to see where they are living now. And before you protest Leah, I think you should consider both of their feelings. I know for a fact that Emily would love for you to come and support her."  
"Oh, did Emily tell you that?"

"As a matter of fact, she did. She called while you were using up all the hot water." She smirked at me, finding her little joke and jab funny somehow. Ever since dad had died, the attitude that she used when she talked to me was more than vile.

"Well, I don't know how you expect me to support her in anything. She has done nothing but ruin my life and I think that grants me the option to stay away from her."

"Leah, I wish you would get it in you head that she cannot change the past. She did not choose this life, she is simply living with the plan that destiny has set out for her. The same goes for Sam." She nodded, slurping in another spoonful of chili.  
I hated when people spoke of destiny, like no one had a choice in anything and that all things were planned out for them. It just seemed lazy if you ask me. If one truly believed in destiny, would they really sit on their ass and wait for life to deal them a card? Surely, anyone with half a brain would see that life is based on the choices we make about the situations that are presented to us. Sadly, I was overruled in this one because my mother thinks that she knows everything there is to know about imprinting. All the suckers who imprinted think that higher spirits magically choose everything for them. Bullshit. Dating and finding someone you can laugh with becomes a waste of time if you believe in the magic of imprinting and fate; fate will just screw you over and give you someone else you are supposed to love more than the first. That was not alright in my book.

"I can't believe you always side with Emily. This time, Emily really did screw up, and you turn the blind eye. What is wrong with you? Am I the only that remembers how one day Sam loved me and then the next day Emily is moving her stuff into his house?"

"You and Sam never had that strong of a relationship, Leah. It was a high school infatuation. Even if Sam hadn't imprinted, do you really think that it would have lasted?"

I was practically fuming. Seth was looking very nervous, shifting in his seat and looking between the two of us. I wanted to tell Seth that he could leave; I didn't want him hear me say something inappropriate. What I really wanted to do was hit my mother, although I knew I could never go through with it. She had no right to question the love that Sam and I shared. How dare she! I knew she would rather see Emily with Sam than me with him, and that was like a slap in the face.

I shoved my chair behind me and it hit the wall with a sharp crack. I wasn't going to give her an answer because she didn't deserve one. I had just about enough from her.

I stormed out of the dining room and went straight to the door. When I was out on the porch I slammed it shut behind, so hard that the glass windows shook. I wanted her to know how upset I was. I wanted her to know I was furious.

I started walking with no destination in mind. I was aimlessly wandering, one foot after the other, until I reached the border of the trees. When I was a few hundred feet into the forest, I collapsed on the ground and put my head in my hands. I didn't realize until just then, that I was crying.

At this point, why was I still breathing? My heart should have given out a long time ago. I had lost my friends, boyfriend, cousin, father, mother (in the she-loves-everyone-more-than-me sense), what else did I have to lose? A future with the man I loved, a chance at being a normal teenage girl, dancing with my father at my wedding, and the opportunity to leave the reservation and go to college.

Seth came and found me. He said that he followed my scent all the way here from the house. He also said that mom was still fuming. How did she become the angry one in this situation? She had started it.

"How are you holding up?" He asked, searching my eyes that I was sure were red and puffy.  
"How do you think?" I retorted. It came out a little nastier than I wanted. I didn't want to be mean to my little brother when all he was trying to do was help.

"Look, I know that mom is a pain, but I know things will get better for you." He said, sitting down next to me and placing his hand over mine.

I looked skeptically at him.

"Well, things can't get any worse, right?"

I laughed a little bit, for the first time in a long time. "Yeah, I guess you're right. I've hit rock bottom."  
"And now you can start picking yourself up again. I know that you probably think I am just a kid, and your dorky little brother, but I am here for you. Dad was always a great advice giver, but I am going to try my best." I tried to say something but he stopped me, thinking about his next words carefully. "I hear you crying at night. I know you cut yourself and I know that you sneak out to the cliff when you think no one is paying attention."

I hung my head in shame. "You weren't supposed to find any of that out."  
"It's pretty obvious, Lee."

I simply nodded.

"I can't say that I can sympathize 'cause I have never gone through of the girl stuff, but I did lose my father and turn into a werewolf too. Seriously Lee, you need to talk to someone. You just close yourself off and shut out the world. I feel like I am talking to a statue when I try and get your attention. You're in a really bad place, and I get that, but if you want to get out of it, I need you to open up. I need you to talk to me about it. I don't care if you want to talk about Sam or dad or even makeup; whatever it is, I am here for you."

I lunged forward and threw my arms around him. I had the sweetest little brother in the whole wide world. He had known all along how miserable I was and there was nothing he could do to help me. I realized how horrible it must have been for him, to feel helpless through all of this. He was trying to be strong for mom and me, trying to hold us all together even when he was hurting too. No one had stopped to ask him about his own feelings. I realized now that I had been hogging the attention, with all of my acting out.

I squeezed him tight in my arms, not giving him the opportunity to squirm out of my grasp. I loved him more than I loved anyone, in this moment. He was my sweet little brother, who knew he would be the one to patch me up?

"I love you so much, Seth. I am sorry I have been such a bad sister these past weeks. I haven't been there for you at all. I've been selfish thinking about only my problems, when you were also dealing with dad's death. I shouldn't have shut you out like I did, and I am so, so sorry."

"Its alright, Lee. I can't expect you to be perfect all the time." We both laughed a little. By now, we both had tears running down our cheeks. I had taken my time with my brother for granted all those years; I never gave him the chance to be truly great. I wished now that I would have spent more time with him while we were little, and that this breakthrough didn't happen so late in our lived.

"So, start from the beginning." He said when I finally let go of him and our tears had dried.

"What?"

"Start from the beginning. I want to know everything you are willing to tell me. The talking thing, we're doing it now. So spill."

"But I—"

"The good, the bad, everything. Start with Sam and work your way up."

"You really don't mind me talking about all of my issues."

"Nope. I promise it will help."

I trusted him, even knowing that it would hurt talking about all the secrets I had hidden from him and mom. I leaned back against the tree and Seth crossed his legs, exhaling a deep breath.

I licked my lips and started from the beginning, the good and the bad, telling him everything I needed to get off my chest. He listened intently and asked questions at all the right times. He didn't judge me when I told him things that were awful and he supported me when I told him about Sam. When I told him about the engagement ring in my closet his eyebrows turned down in remorse. I know now that he understood why it was hard to watch him live with Emily, and why mom's statement had hit me the hardest. When I was finally done, I sighed and closed my eyes.

"That's it." I concluded, rubbing my temples, suddenly tired.

"Wow" was all he said as I nodded back.

"I'm so sorry that happened to you. You deserve better than what you are getting—from everyone, mom included. Are you going to tell her any of the stuff you told me?"

"She wouldn't understand."

"No probably not, but it might help her understand _you_ a little better."

"I would rather not. You are the only one who knows all those things. I want to keep it that way."

"But Sam knows too."

"True, but he doesn't know how badly I hate myself because of it."  
"I think he does. We all see what goes on in your head even when you try not to think it."

"Oh. I didn't know I was that transparent."  
"You aren't, it's just sometimes you let things slip. It's alright, they don't judge you—they just don't want to upset you more by confronting you about it."

"Well then I guess I am thankful."

There was a silence for a few moments while I let him process everything. I was surprised that he was reacting so well to all the crazy things that were happening around the two of us. He had more strength then I had ever known.

Finally he looked up from the ground and met my eyes. "Can we go home now?"

"Yes."

"Good. Mom made a pie and I really, really want some."

I laughed again. A werewolf is always thinking about food.

We made our way back to the house and the lights were still on. We had spent two hours in the woods talking, but mom was still awake. She was in the big recliner in the living room when we got inside.

"Thank goodness you two are alright. I was beginning to think that you weren't going to come back." She exhaled, heaving herself off of the chair and making her way towards us with outstretched arms. You would think that for a mother of two werewolves, ones that patrolled at strange ours for long periods of time, she could hold her cool longer than two hours. Apparently not.

"Don't worry, mom. We wouldn't do that to you." Seth responded, hugging her anyways. She didn't hug me, but I expected just as much. Seth looked her in the eyes and they exchanged a glance that told me the two of them had spoken after I stormed out. When he broke her gaze, he went upstairs smiling at me before he reached the top, and closed his bedroom door.

"Leah, I really want to apologize for the things that I said earlier. I realize now that I must really hurt you when I say those things about imprinting and I don't mean to. I want you to know that I love you and I wish only the best for you. I just wanted you to understand that things will work out for you, even if things right now may seem a little bumpy."

She always made an effort to cover her tracks, never recanting what she said, but sweetening her tone and using a lot of 'I' statements. I had learned early on that this method was used so that she could feel better about herself. Still, after my talk with Seth, I felt compelled to give her a second chance. This in no way meant that the things she said still didn't sting, it just meant that I was going to temporarily let them go.

"I get it, mom. I'm sorry I freaked out and left."

There was a moment of awkwardness as we both leaned in to hug each other but didn't really get there. She pulled away, realizing that it was best if we didn't hug just yet, and let me get upstairs. Before I got to the stairs I looked back at her. "I'll go on Sunday. I can't guarantee to be a perfect angel, but I will go and make appearances."

"Thank you, Leah. You're making the right choice. Doing this will make things a lot better, I promise."

I really hoped she was right.

I collapsed on my bed, exhausted from a long week. This had been the most dragged-out Friday evening I had ever experienced, and not in a good way. I wanted to sleep forever and not have to go back outside into the real world, but I knew soon enough I would have to. Tomorrow I had to patrol and I wanted desperately to talk to the boys, hopefully regain their friendship and mend some broken friendships that had been long forgotten.


End file.
